Dear Shrimp

This morning was just like so many other mornings. I woke up late and everyone rushed to get ready on time. Your father stuffed Midget Man in his clothes, I threw my hair up in some sort of careless manner, and you worked hard to avoid brushing your teeth and using deodorant. We took the trash off on the way to school and Midget aggravated us both with "TWO TWO TWO TWO" the whole way there.

I was almost in the free and clear. Nothing had gone horribly wrong this morning - I hadn't killed anyone and the car didn't break down so overall I was feeling pretty good - and then it happened.

We were all in our customary places in the car - me driving, you behind me and Midget to your right. The frizz from your hair was lashing about the back of the car - like alien tentacles - from where I had my window cracked, and you were reading one of those Archie comics of yours (one of the many from your Archie comic stack that is immediately to your right stacked between you and Midgets car seat - and the stack is so high, Midget can reach them). You asked me what the work "Congeniality" meant and that was the high point of the morning. You gave the Midget your stuffed bunny you were taking to school with you and that started an argument over who's bunny it was and then you finally got your bunny back and you gave it a silly hug and said "I think I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up" and I felt pretty good about that - especially since that's not the first time you've said it...and I had hope and immediately a picture of you all grown up flashed in my mind - of you working in a Vet's office with that white lab coat on and I felt so proud......but you didn't stop there. You continued, and I could hear the frustration in your voice "There are three things I want to be when I grow up - but I can't decide which one I want to be. I want to be an Artist, or a Vet, or a Homemaker."

But it sounded so much more to me than the simple declarative sentience that issued forth from your lovely innocents. The word "homemaker" appeared to have been said in CAPITAL letters - with a great booming sound - and in my mind it had an echo... so I just didn't hear "...or a

Homemaker", I heard "HOMEMAKER, HOMEMAKER, HOMEMAKER, HOMEMAKER, MAKER MAKER MAKER." and I really thought I might pass out right there at the 4 way stop we were at.

I knew you and I were two different souls when you were just a baby. You have always been ...dare I say it....almost.........submissive and placid....in somethings, and I not almost submissive or placid in anything - I'm an angry fighter.

I remember very clearly putting you in dresses that summer you just turned 2 and you couldn't have been happier. You were so cute and precious and wonderful and people used to stop us where ever we went to tell me how beautiful you were - and they almost always wanted to buy you a little trinket or piece of candy...and then winter came. I brought out the baby jeans I had bought you when tights just wouldn't do to keep your little baby legs warm anymore...and you threw a fit....and I don't mean that you threw a little fit either.......you threw yourself on the floor and had a screaming tantrum - and I was trying to put those pants on you the whole time you kicked your feet and screamed bloody murder. Your face turned a deep, scary, bright scarlet and the thought crossed my mind that you little head was going to explode if you didn't quit and then, there I would be ...sitting in the middle of the living room floor with little pieces of mad baby all over the place.

That was your first temper tantrum.....because you couldn't wear a dress.

I hate dresses. They can all go the the devil and burn themselves....but you have always liked dresses and skirts and girlie, frilly, feminine things...and while I like some of those things...it has taken me most of my life to develop an appreciation and liking for them....you have ALWAYS liked and preferred them.

I DISTINCTLY remember when I was a little kid, having to stay in the house with my mother and wash the dishes while your Uncle Jason got to go outside and play. I hated that. I hated - FROM THE EARLIEST OF MY MEMORIES - of being treated differently because was A GIRL....and I tried my best to be like the boys - possibly the biggest tomboy ever - so I could do whatever I wanted too.... and I wanted nothing to do with the entrapment's and costumes of my gender.

I have never been able to stay at home with you and Midget. I have tried....GOD KNOWS I HAVE TRIED...but I just can't do it. When you were a newborn, I had 6 weeks convalescent leave. I SOOOOO looked forward to having you and spending time with you and kissing you and snuggling and......I just couldn't take being confined to the house. When you were 2 weeks old...I packed you up and you and I went to work together. The First Sergeant came in and picked you up and fed you (he was a guy) and you were happy and I was getting some much needed time away from the house and I was GLORIOUS...even if all they were doing that day was cleaning weapons...a chore that I usually dreaded.

When Connor was just a baby and was really sick...remember that? I stayed home with him for 2 months!!!! 2 MONTHS. I almost lost my mind. I was so relived to go back to work just to get out of the house......

......and then this morning you told me you wanted to be a "HOMEMAKER MAKER MAKER MAKER".

It was a traumatic moment for me.

I have always wanted you to be - and you have shown signs of - being a strong independent person.....but now you want to be a HOMEMAKER MAKER MAKER...and I'm scared that you're going to end up depending on a man for your happiness - so that you can stay at home.....and end up being miserable...because only you can make yourself happy.

I've been turning it over in my mind since I've been writing this here at work......while I should be working....and I can only hope that you have experienced none of the prejudices (from my "protection"?) of being born a girl in this world and can maybe find the joys in the things I never could.

If that's the reason......then I can be happy. I'll be happy no matter what, as long as you're happy...but this is just such a big thing for me to get my head around.

I have always tried to give you choices. When you were a baby, I bought you toy trucks and dolls and play tools and pretty things....and you spurned all the "boy toys" and devoted yourself to your dolls and pretty things and stuffed animals.

Last week you asked me "What if I want to be a person who stays at home all the time"...and while this really took me by surprise....I was okay with it...because it seemed like you were just asking a "Worst case senerio" kind of thing...and I told you it was fine to stay at home...and I explained the economics of it as best as I could and that was that. I wanted you to know that you have the CHOICE.....and this morning when you elaborated on why you wanted to be a HOMEMAKER MAKER MAKER - you said you wanted to do a bunch of cooking (which I hate and am not really good at) and baking and get fluffy ,always have a clean house....I felt like I was going to have a seizure.

Just do me a couple of favors Shrimp. Get an education. Do your best. Work hard. Don't measure your wealth by your money. Do harm to none. Help those you can. Love the Lord.

With those...no matter what you do, you should be alright...you'll be happy.